...Holiday Love

So much holiday to enjoy, so little time to write!

That's what the season is all about...and loving every second of it!

In the meantime, our self-taken family picture, that, all things considered, turned out quite well enough....

{bo, jared, me, isaiah}

Hope all of your Decembers days are merry & bright, dear readers, and filled with tremendous love, peace, joy, family and friends!

I will be back soon with lots of pretty projects, travel updates, and more rants and rambles!

...I am A Dreamer

{This 'A' definitely = Alisa}

As ALWAYS I have so much I want to say, so much creative energy that is dying to burst forth by way of writing, but alas, writing falls to the wayside to make room for higher priorities and obligations.

True, most of my to-do list is filled up with beautiful, worthy, lovely items, HOWEVER, lovely added upon lovely upon lovely is still overload, even if it is lovely overload! Usually all of the energy and ambition just strike me with tremendous anxiety and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy as my inability to balance the must-do's and want-to-do's in a manner pleasing and acceptable to myself!

Then the self-analysis kicks in. (Word from the Weary: when one is already on hyper-drive, added fuel to the fire is usually not productive. Avoid further at all costs:)

'Why can't I do it all? Everyone else seems to be able to!!!

What is wrong with me?!?!???'

'WHY DO I HAVE TO SLEEP?!?!?!?'

'How/will I ever feel balanced, fulfilled, meaningful, and enough?'

'When will I realize that all of the above is not a destination to arrive at, but a minute-by-minute cleansing?'

'How can I learn to deal with all of these emotions/energies/ambitions in a productive manner...i.e. How can I turn the overwhelming moments of weakness into character building strengths?'

'How can I learn to be still in the midst of all the chaos so that I thereby may see and feel all of the imperfect perfection that is staring straight at me?'

My mind continually rushes from checklist item to checklist item, and no matter how many things I check off, I am left with regrets because I find myself missing out on the beauty right in front of me. I miss out on the moments that I crave and work for, all because no matter how good I can do so many other things, I am really bad at allowing myself to just be still. To be utterly and completely in the moment.

In so many ways I feel I am living my dream, in so many other ways, I feel I am so far. All in all, I really just want to find a way to remember (I forget so quickly, so easily...) that all of this IS the dream. Chaos and order accompanies every dream. The sequence of events, things brought forth, and lessons learned are so very subjective and individualized to each dreamer. No two dreams are alike, and even if they were, the manifestations of them would be so dramatically different in the eye of the dreamer. I guess that is why dreams are so beautiful, powerful, and necessary. Dreams, like anything else, are not something to be attained, to arrive at, to achieve, they are a process, a journey, and a wonderful chaotic story.

Hopefully along the way (hopefully SOON) I will be able to find order in the chaos and not just live the story, but find a bit of time to tell the story (via this blog) as well. And if not, hopefully I can embrace all of it, and love it for ALL that it is.

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My friend ReNee posted the below article a while ago and it has been on my mind since.

The author's sentiments reflect so many of the words of my heart.

Since I am sparse on time, I thought I would let her word do my talking in a way that I can only aspire too!

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In Sequence...

By Tiffany Gee Lewis

(Read More Here.)

I sat in the car recently with my husband and a colleague of his. Both are getting doctoral degrees in journalism. The two were talking about their latest publications in scholarly journals. In an attempt to include me in the conversation, my husband's friend turned around and asked, "So, what do you think of all this?"

"What do I think?" I stuttered. The question caught me off guard. "I find it fascinating. I was -- am -- a journalist." It wasn't coming out the way I wanted. "I'm just happy to support my husband," I finished lamely.

It was the end of a long day with four little boys. My face was white as a sheet, the car littered with peanuts and mashed raisins. I was running on maybe three hours of sleep. What did I think of all this? That I would have loved to attend a day of lectures and hobnob instead of battle a 3-year-old over potty training and slap a million peanut butter sandwiches together.

I had to remind myself in that moment that I was where I wanted to be because I chose this.

It's a luxury my grandmother and previous generations of women did not have. In most developing countries, women still do not have that choice. But I chose to marry young, finish my degree and jump with both feet into motherhood.

It doesn't make it easy, but it does make it easier, on those long days and during those long nights, when I watch friends and my own husband lap me in their educational pursuits; when I return thick Steinbeck novels to the library unread -- not for lack of desire, but simply because I never found the time to crack open the beloved pages.

I chose this, right? I put aside tempting internships and graduate school and attractive freelance opportunities because I wanted to raise my kids the way my mom raised us. It was a choice -- a luxury, really. Then why, at times, do I feel so uncomfortable, and squirm a little, in this mothering outfit I picked?

Is it my own pride, which looks at the social trend to: Get educated! Get rich! Then have kids; be as smart and strong and feisty as your husband. Or better yet, do it all: go to school, work, run a home business and raise a brood of children at the same time.

I recently read a book called "Silences" by Tillie Olsen. Olsen delves into reasons why writers stay silent during certain periods of their lives. In particular, she focuses on women who are "silenced" by child rearing, highlighting the fact that before the 20th century, nearly all women authors either never married or were wealthy enough to afford child care. Olsen writes from experience, as she was "silenced" for years as she raised her four children.

It was an uncomfortable read for me. I thought of my notebooks filled with first chapters of novels, half-written poems, and of the nights I squirrel away with my computer trying to eke out a few sentences of intelligible thought. Every spare moment (as spare as moments can be with four children) becomes a weighty decision: Do I fold laundry or write? Play Legos with my son or write? Read my scriptures or write? (Or, as I am doing now, type with one hand while a baby sleeps on my chest.)

And the truth is, either way I feel guilty, as guilt is just par for the course in motherhood. I don't want my children to remember that their mother was always tucked behind a computer screen, but neither do I want them, as children are wont, to think that the purpose of my life is to orbit around the center of their universe.

There is no pat answer to this. The only consolation I heard recently was a quote attributed to Brigham Young in which he said: "Mormon women can do it all, but they need to do it in sequence."

For every woman, that sequence may be different. I have to tell myself that there will be years for reading books and writing novels and getting that advanced degree -- years when I will wait for little voices calling my name, and they will not be there. There will be a time when I will go to tuck small children in bed, and find that they have grown into able men. One day, every single Lego will make it into the box and stay there.

For now I have to remember that I am not silenced, that I am simply in a stage of life that requires more hands on the ground than with a pen and paper. These are years for storing away memories of tiny hands, dimpled cheeks and the freshness of childhood.

I can do it all, I tell myself. But, right now, I am doing this.

images via weheartit

{christmasgreetingcards}

{click here to shop DESIGNOLOGY now!}

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{click on pic to enlarge}

...Turkey Drama

{CLICK ON PIC TO READ MY CONFESSION...}



{WHO LOOKS BETTER ME & J or THE TURKEY :}


My first turkey every, turned out fabulously!
I guess really it wasn't my turkey, it was definitely OUR turkey: Jared & Alisa.

I know my husband is fabulous and this whole turkey fiasco thing proved it once again...

The day before Thanksgiving we spend with my side of the family. Our plan was to leave around 8ish so that we could get home, put the kids to bed, and leisurely make the turkey brine and get the bird soaking etc. Well, we ended up staying until around midnight playing games. On the 40 minute drive home I decided I better read the turkey prep instructions on my phone, and to my all-too-common dismay, it required more than a few minutes.

We roll up to my MIL's house (which is one mile from our house, which is where the turkey was being housed) around 1 am and I am thinking, 'Oh crap, the kids are sleeping, we gotta be up in Heber in the morning for our Thanksgiving brunch w/J's family, there is NO way we can stay up making this bird!' I expressed all of this (and more) to J, who without skipping a beat started the turkey prep, while singing a happy tune, AND smiling. (I know he was only doing it because he knew how much I wanted to do it, and well, that is just one example of the selflessness J innately has and which I grotesquely try to emulate...if the roles were reversed, I can only hope and pray that I would be half as selfless as he was...)

We locked the kids in our running vehicle, had my phone call his phone, left my phone in the car with the kids, took J's phone with us into the house and VOILA! a baby monitor. Luckily, no one stole our kids nor our vehicle, and we actually did end up having a lot of fun talking, laughing, kissing, and waiting around for each step to complete...

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The next day we headed up to Zermatt Resort for our Holland side Thanksgiving brunch. It was fabulous. We ended up staying there much later than expected as well. On the 1+ hour drive home I realized that I forgot to pick up a Black Friday newspaper in the morning. One of our favorite things to do is scour the ads together. The night before we were saying that we were excited to for that!

Well, looooooong story short, after running around (with my little family & my in-laws) to at least 12+ locations, at the request of my cute father-in-law determined to get me the paper, we finally got one! The absolute last one! Location after failed location, one of us would think of another location to try and every time my FIL would get out of the car to check my kids would chant 'you can do it papa!!!'

After staying late at Zermatt, and running around town looking for a paper, we finally had our first Little-Holland-Family-Made Thanksgiving meal at 10 pm.

Who knew people were so crazy for the Thanksgiving Day edition?
And who knew I could be so dang high maintenance on one holiday?

Even through all of the madness I created, Jared and I agree it was one of the best Thanksgivings yet filled with so much laughter, fun, and joy. I have THE BEST husband and in-laws who put up with my insane antics. I am so grateful for them all!

...It's Official

{us in the fabulous 24th street, Noe Valley District}

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1. I'm 27!! Happy Birthday to me! I don't feel a day over 17 but add a decade to that and here I am! I've always wanted to be 27. I LOVE new beginnings. What a fabulous number to usher in a fresh new year!

2. I had the best birthday trip ever! San Francisco was amazing (of course) and my boyfriend (who some refer to as my husband) was smokin' hot and so very sweet. It was perfect. Highlights coming soon...

3. I am a definite Twilight Fan...still not of the books, but yes, of the movies. I love the approach of the new director, and ah-hem, Jacob is a little bit cute. As noted in a previous post, we spontaneously caught a matinee of Twilight, seeking refuge from an insane downpouring of rain, while in SFO. I did not go into the movie expecting to like it. But by the end, I really did.

One of the best parts of the experience was the audience. I found it completely amusing how every time Jacob was on the screen (especially when he was on the screen w/o a shirt) there were the loudest gasps, ohs and ahs, and giggles from the theater filled with teenage girls (and many a bit older) and homosexual men. It was awesome. The solo gay man sitting next to me let out a, 'welllllll!' everytime the shirtless Jacob appeared...and I can't blame him, 'well' indeed :)

UPDATED P.S...I was telling my Dear Sweet Husband about this little post-bit regarding the movie and after I was done he said, 'You know it's called New Moon right? The first one is Twilight, and this one is New Moon. The next one is Eclipse. Isn't that what the books are called?' Well, yes hun-buns you are right, and no, I did not know that!

Well, when I think about it, I see I did know this information in theory, but for some reason until J brought this up to me, I didn't really know it. I was completely taken back by this new-old, known yet not known knowledge! Then I realized, to me it is Twilight 1, Twilight 2, Twilight 3, etc. Jared said, 'you don't called Return of the King, The Fellowship of the Ring do you?' No, but I do call it Lord of the Rings 1, Lord of the Rings 2, Lord of the Rings 3, etc. etc. Just like Back To the Future 1, 2, 3, and Indian Jones 1, 2, 3.

My mislabeling of things like this may in part contribute to the reason I exist confused about so many superficial things. Oh well, better to be confused here than to be confused in much more deep and important matters I guess! (not to say that I don't have much confusion in that department as well...)

4. Designology is offically (and finally) in full swing. Website fixed. so GO CHECK IT OUT! I will be sending out email and doing a better post really soon (but not today...it's my birthday baby!) I would love to be lucky enough to do your Christmas greeting. Oh and if you likey, please pass the word on!

5. I am making my first Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I am going to try Jennie's Turkey recipe that she made for November's recipe group, as well as the Sweet Potatoes Mindi made. Both we so juicy and yum...hope I can do it, but I am nervous! (see here for the recipes).

6. Comments are now enabled on my blog. After my friend Breona, actually took the time to call me in defense of 'comments enabled' I've done it. Breona did present very logical points regarding comments. As you know, comments have not been enabled for quite some time, and frankly, I kinda like it that way. So many of you have emailed me comments regarding my posts and I've really loved the string of conversation that ensued from there. To me, it all seems much more meaningful and safer than leaving a comment. Personally, if I have something deep I want to say, I am more apt to express these feelings via a private email versus a public comment. Don't feel obligated to leave comments. Please know that I really, truly love hearing from you all. The time to take to send me messages mean so very much to me. So keep the emails coming and the comments posted if you would like. Now you have both options, and it's true, a girl always needs options (uh, if there are any guys that faithfully read my blog, well, now you have options too)!

7. I am feeling so very grateful for sunshine, for love, for rain, for my husband and children, for life. One of my new goals for my 27th year, is to bask more fully in gratitude...to seek it, to acknowledge it, and to spread it! May you all have a beautiful Thanksgiving (and Black Friday...yes!) weekend. May you be surrounded by sunshine, love, family, and joy.


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(click on pic to enlarge...)

Love, Rain, TWILIGHT!

Ready for day!!!


Pouring rain!!! Yes!! Love the rain!!! But now what should we do...twilight!!

(as you know, or at least mindi does, I don't love twilight to say the least. J likes it a lot more than me. I am fascinated with the phenomenum and meyer's successul breakthrough. And I must admit I am excited!!!)

So now we are in line awaiting vampire and wolf joy...hence the mobile blogging. According to j big surprises tonight. If I am in another line I will blog more about it then.

I miss my kids so much but I am loving having complete and undivided attention with my babyhead. Smitten and falling evermore necessarily in love.

XO



{Posted from my sweet iPhone}

...hello from sfo

Loves!




{posted from my sweet iPhone}

...updates continued

continued from last email...

Okay I abhor posting from my iPhone mostly because formatting and hyperlinks are a pain. (I am too cheap to actually buy a blog app and keep using the lite version). Anyway if you feel so inclined to read about my birthday last year type in 'birthday rendevous' in the search bar above. If you'd like to read a partial account of our love story search 'co-op love'.

Website, Cards, Updates

Calling NOVEMBER! Hello November?
Where did November go?!?
Long time no post!!!!

I've been swamped catching up on lost sick time,
devouring my favorite season with j & kids,
and trying to work out the kinks with my website,
to explain a few!

Random things:
1) my website is almost fixed. What a crazy process it's been!!! I will be fully launched hopefully Monday. If you would like to preview/order holiday cards even with the issues that currently exist with the site, please do and just ignore the lingering mess :) go to alisaholland.com click on SHOP>>HOLIDAY>>and peruse from there! Like I said you can look at the designs and even order if you'd like...just remember things like the descriptions and details are unfinished!! Email me with questions or check back on Monday for finished details! FYI the prices currently shown on the site reflect the newly $10 off regular price as well as an additional $5 off for postcards.

2) I am at the airport en route to San Francisco!! This week Jared surprised me with a birthday celebration trip and I am SO excited. I just spent $2 million dollars on my first vacay purchase on airport water, a bagel, and a magazine. The water was necessary, the bagel a disappointment, and the magazine (US Weeky) an indulgence only satiated on vacations. I have no idea what J has planned but rest assured I will share because he is the best surprised!

3) this day in history is the day 2 (6 years ago) of mine and j's seven day courtship until engagement. (remember j and I got engaged 7 days after meeting, and got hitched 7 weeks later!?!) I began to tell the story last year, never finished because j wisked me away for my bday then too. But I have ever intention of completely he whirlwind love story, so stay tuned!

...Holiday Cards By Me!

Hello Friends,

My Christmas Card/Postcard line is done!
Above is a little preview...

I just wanted to give everyone a heads up that the entire collection will soon be available for customization and purchase on my website

www.alisaholland.com

With all of the sickness etc. that has visited our household over the past few months,
the launch of my website has thereby been delayed. Bad for me, good for you! Because I am a little bit late into the season for the big launch, there will be promo incentives upon purchase if you are willing to wait for me to get my groove completely on!

I would be honored to celebrate the holiday season with you and your family with a lovely mailable greeting! Check back often for updates...Oh and if you think you can give my work your stamp of approval, PLEASE feel free to spread the 'alisAHolland DESIGNOLOGY' word to friends and loved ones!

Happy beginning of the holiday season,
Alisa

...Taking Flight

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This morning:


Me: Bo, let's try something new this morning!
Bo: OK!
Me: How about instead of mom walking you all the way into your classroom, I will just walk you to the top of the stairs and then watch you go into preschool all by yourself! Then Ms. Heather will be there to see you and you can hang up your backpack and coat all by yourself!
Bo: OK!

I was shocked by Boey's response.
I usually have to walk her all the way into her classroom, help her hang up everything, and still she is 'reluctantly crouched at the starting line' (does ANYONE know what song that is from !!?!) clinging onto my leg until her teacher comes and cuddle her as the makeshift mom....



10 minutes later...



We pull up to school.
We park.
We get out and walk over to the stairs.

Me: I love you sweetheart! Have a wonderful day!
Bo: Ok mommy. I love you! See you later.

I stay at the top of the stairs, she walks down.
She gets to the bottom, turns around, and proclaims:


'Mom! I forgot to give you a hug!'


She wobbles her little legs back up the flight of stairs, backpack in hand.
She gives me the biggest hug and pulls away from me to make the trek back down.

This time it is me 'reluctantly crouched at the starting line'.
Tears as my heart feels a little sense of loss.
I stand there wiping my tears away trying to gaze in through the windows to watch my little girl's every move.

Suddenly, I miss her immensely.

Maybe I should have walked her in...just one more time.


(image via lui g marin)

...Lessons In Motherhood

{Bo...on her first day of school}



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Lessons I learned from my 4 year old this morning:

1) We (as mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, etc.) really must treat people as they can be, not as they are. It is such a beautiful gift that we all can and should give one another as we all are a part of the symbiotic nature of humanity. Otherwise none of us will ever know just how far we can fly.

2) We must let go, otherwise, we will never know if flying is even possible. We must let go of the hurt, of the pain, of disappointments, of grudges, of each other, of our children, of the past, etc. etc.

3) None of the above is easy...

...A Lack Of Faith

A couple of weeks ago, my therapist said to me,



Really?
I am still internalizing and analyzing this.
Perhaps it is my lack of faith in myself that I inaccurately project onto God that causes such moments of frustration, anger, resentment, and misunderstandings of His true nature?

This assertive statement from my therapists has initiated very interesting and paradigm-shifting internal dialogue that I have never really had before.



Interesting.
Still pondering.
Wonder if it will end up resonating as true or false...


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SOAPBOX:
1. Yes, dear reader, I currently have a therapist.
No, I am not embarrassed to admit it.
I know there is still a bit of a societal stigma on stuff like this.
Our spiritual and mental well being are just as (if not more important to me because it is such an integral part of wholeness...including physical health)
than our physical well being. If we are ok running to a M.D. for physical ailments
and we have no problem engaging in yogic practices (including meditation)
and we are a-ok being a part of religious activities,
why not implement even more to help us become whole?
My therapist is AMAZING...honesty, accurate, insightful, instrumental.

2. Yes, I think everyone (as individuals and couples) should go through at least periodic 6 week stints with perfectly-paired therapists...it is such a very healthy, healing, insightful, objective, powerful tool to help us move beyond the lovely issues that we all have as part of being human and beyond the human trap of complacency/mediocrity...

(photo via love letters and skypaints')

...Snow, Angel, Etc.

As usual I have so much I want to say.

(hint: Most of it begins with the phrase 'What in the hell!?! Are you friggin kidding me!?!'...)

Having internet problems again.

All the better.

Thought I'd do a quick mobile update about something illuminated with much more light than so many other of my current shadowy (albeit very insightful) musings...

We had our first snowfall this year and it was so very beautiful.

Bo was begging to play in the snow as soon as she saw it out the window on the chilly morning.

Being the good mom that I am (and feeling so sorry for my 2-week-sick-cabin fever baby), I let her after school.

She loved it so much.

I loved watching her so much.

Before I knew it, she had plopped herself down to make a snow angel in the scarce snow.

And then she realized she couldn't really see her angel.

I explained that there will be many a good snow angel opportunities to come.

So precious.

Luckily, I get to have an angel that I get to see everyday, all year round.

Technically, I have 3...Jared, Bo, & Isaiah.

Today I am feeling particularly blessed to have them.

I am so grateful to be feeling such a deep, absolute, unadulterated love for my family.

This love really is what makes life worth living.

Have a beautiful end of October/Halloween/beginning of November!

May you give love, share love, feel love, and be love!

...Climb a Mountain

Sick Day To Do # 4: Take a Joy Ride

There is something so soothing about a car ride. My dear sweet husby was kind enough to take me on an impulsive, random drive to Logan during one of my sick days. Not only was the actual act of being passenger divine, but so too were our surroundings. Autumn embraced us and rain metaphorically brought sunshine.

Another favorite thing of mine is to snap sporadic pictures from the car in an effort to capture the moment. Every now and then I get a perfect picture that transports me back to a moment reminding me of exactly how I felt, how everything looked, and how for at that moment I was perfectly calm and happy. Peace is so hard for me to find lately, so any visit I get from her is that much more priceless.













{looks like my munchkins are soothed by the ride too!
i love how mimi (the bunny) and bo and in the same tilted head position!}


{silly boey}


{handsome zay zay}


{pucca!}